Being Sharon

From a young age, I've always been on the heavier side; when I was an infant, I had feeding difficulties and was put on medication which would increase my hunger. It caused my parents a lot of stress and fear but I eventually starting eating. However, the medication that I was given made me eat far too much. As I grew older, eating a lot became a habit. It got to the point where people mocked me and laughed at me because of my weight. My mum used to tell me stories about when I was younger and it was evident she felt really embarrassed about having a child who everyone laughed at. I would always research and be obsessed about finding out about my weight.

I started to despise myself because I thought it was my fault for ending up as a heavy child even though it wasn't. I struggled with self-degradation for most of my life- whenever I built up confidence, it was stripped away quickly. One day told my mum that I was interested in modelling and she said, "only people like your sister can be models". Yes, my sister was the taller and slimmer sibling. She loved to dance, whereas I hated it. As time went on, people became more aware of how I hated my body. I realised had more hair than other girls, and that I was more 'flabby'. My own friends would laugh at me during PE sessions. I would write fake notes to my teacher about why I didn't participate. It wasn't because I didn't want to partake in the lessons but because I didn't want my imperfect body to be on show to people whose bodies were adored by everyone including myself. Eventually, my mum found out and asked why I was lying to my teachers. I got tired of pretending that I was okay so I told her, "everyone thinks I'm fat". I didn't get the response I was hoping for and so I ended up attending PE despite my insecurity. From here, I developed bad eating habits; I would stay in my room and not speak to anyone unless I was spoken to. I lost a lot of weight but I still saw myself as fat. I lost respect for myself and wanted to feel 'loved by others because I didn't know how to love myself. I would constantly compare myself to my friends, my sister, models and musicians. I wanted people to like me, I wanted boys to like me. I wanted to be one of the "it" girls.

After a while, I ended up rededicating my life to God and appreciating the fact that my body will never be perfect, that it will never be what I desire but what God desires and that's enough for me. I love all parts of my body now. Of course, there are times where I wish I was slimmer and more toned. However, I've learned that I'm not living my life for myself but for God. People now tell me that I inspire them and that I am a role model for them. This made me realise that I need to teach others what I never realised God was trying to teach me all along so that someone doesn't lose themselves the way I did.

I now carry myself with pride because I know I represent the ways of God. I live with the aim of people looking at me and knowing that I am a child of God.